By Irma Iliana Gutierrez –

Here’s the thing. I come from your not so average Mexican-American familia. My grandparents immigrated here in the 1950’s had four kids, worked really hard, bought property, the American Dream.

After that, not so much normal. There have been tears, yeah, but there’s been a hell of a lot more laughs.

My brothers and I like to compare our family to the George Lopez Show.  Hell, there’s no comparison. It’s our life!

My mother had four kids by the time she was 23. There in comes the character Grandma Benny, who had a child, George, when she was 16 years old. She is bitter with old age, promiscuous and talks a lot of smack about others. I’m not saying my mother is promiscuous nor is she bitter. But she is on husband number three.

Now Grandma Benny and her violent behavior are mirrored in both of my grandmothers. Think I’m kidding? My dad likes to tell the story about the time my grandmother tied him to a tree as punishment. Qué child endangerment! That’s some disciplina.

My dad, well he is George Lopez. The similarities, I mean, the big head, the abusive mother, the supportive wife, the emo-like son who is so awkward (my youngest brother), the stories of a hilarious but troubled child hood. P.S. Guys, don’t ever agree to play el gusano with my father. Ok? Just for you own safety and if you wish to have children some day, just don’t.

My mother is very much the supportive wife Angie. She takes care of the kids, the house, the pets and she has her hobbies and job. She is a LPN. That’s a nurse for those who don’t speak medical. I was raised on the lingo, watchela I can tell you what an appendectomy and colonoscopy is. And just like Angie, she planned her own dream wedding.

Of my brothers now, I have three, one is the character Max, my youngest brother Stef. He is so Max.  The long hair in his eyes all the time and just the idiocy at times. I mean the boy is very talented, he taught himself to play the guitar by playing guitar hero. Who does that? He’s likeable, he has lots of friends, but those Max qualities just come through.

Now the character Max is a bit girl obsessed and tries to act older then his age attempting to seduce a teacher who moved into the neighborhood registered as a pedophile, for supposedly seducing a child a la Mary Kay Letorneau. My brother will come up to my friends, put his arm around them all so casually, do the cholo head nod and say, “How’s it going?”

He also is a bit dense at times, letting his friends’ body slam his 6-foot-145-pound frame into a car. He hurt his elbow, couldn’t straighten it out. He was walking around with his arm bent for so long, we started calling him chicken wing.

Now of course if you have a George Lopez, you have to have the lovable, sometimes confused for mentally challenged, friend Ernie.  That’s our neighbor 22-year-old Seth. Let me tell you about Seth. Now Ernie is not so secretly holding a torch for Angie. Seth is not so secretly holding a torch for me.

My dad is “George Lopez”. Nuh uh. Not going to happen. The man who pulled out a shotgun to shoot a baby mouse that was in the house and instead shot the microwave is not going to let “Ernie” anywhere near his daughter. How is Seth like Ernie? You know how George pulls pranks on Ernie and others a lot? That’s my dad on gullible Seth. We received a piece of his mail by mistake and my dad told him we had a letter from an attorney claiming he had an illegitimate child, and the woman was seeking child support. The boy practically went into hiding.

Who am I? I am Carmen, the daughter of course.  Why? No, I didn’t run off with my boyfriend to San Francisco and end up hanging out with Chingy. Nor am I an airhead. I am however sensitive and have driven my father to drink when he thought I was no longer a virgin. That was one long night of conversation and one tall bottle of Cazadores.

I am also the butt of jokes at my house ever since I turned 21. Since then my brothers and dad like to joke about how I am an alcoholic. And believe me the jokes they come up with are some damn good material. Like that my favorite person to out drink is Andre the Giant. And that I don’t have a car because then I won’t have to be the designated driver.

Let’s get something straight. I am not an alcoholic. I’m just in college, about to graduate with a degree in pretend. I mean acting. Hell, the best actors apparently have had some addiction at one point or another.

My family, you want to know what its like? Catch the reruns on Nick at night. Shao!

Irma Iliana Gutierrez is a graduating senior at Columbia College Chicago.